Belle | Belle French

July 17th:

I still have the nightmares. The nightmares of that night. That... feeling of sickness rising up in my stomach as the saw cut through bone. The blinding pain I felt as skin was slowly being peeled away from my body. That... feeling of death. It's all as clear as day when I close my eyes. But I remind myself that others have it worse. Others actually have scars from there torture. Permanent reminders.

All I have are memories, thoughts. Nothing more. So I feel like I shouldn't bother people with my problems. Not my closest friends, not Rumple, not anyone. I need to handle my own demons.

But the newspaper came today without any problems and I saw one of the bounties. A chance to do something and not just continue to be scared. I know if I go someone will come with me, but I don't think I will mind. As much as I don't want to bother people with my problems. It makes me feel better knowing that they want me to be okay.

I want to be okay and maybe in the future, I will be.

July 19th

My sleep is still the same, nightmares come and go in a variety of ways. But I'm considering maybe trying to get some sleep aids to help me through them. It's a good first step at least to fixing my sleeping problem.

July 22nd

Slowly but surely I feel like I am getting better. My sleep is improving, even though the still odd occasion if I don't take sleeping aids I still get the nightmares. However I still don't feel safe. I'm thinking of maybe working on my swordsmanship if possible. Maybe read up a book or two for help or even ask the network for advice or even training. I could go a step further and learn how to use other weapons, but I don't feel as comfortable in asking that.

I'm not letting him win. I keep reminding myself this every day as I work toward my goals and I feel like it really has helped me.